Hi Everyone,Here are some blogs Alicia had written over the past few years. These are all posted on either facebook or myspace. I know it was important to her for people to be able to access these blogs and read about her life. They are posted from most recent to oldest. Love you, Alicia!! Alicia's blogs: Sunday, September 13, 2009
Surviving
I open my eyes, deeply groggy with sleep, and am purged into a scene that seems straight from the movies. My Anethesiologist is shaking me, and screaming at me to breathe. I try to take a breath, but I can't. Am I suffocating? What is happening to me? All I hear around me are machines beeping and people yelling. "breathe". "breathe." I wish I could tell them that I was trying. Things became blurry, and the voices began to fade. I was dying. I was suffocating. This was it.The next thing I remembered, I was waking up in the surgery recovery room, in immense pain. What I described above wasn't a dream. I went in for brain surgery July 31, and almost didn't make it off the table. The brain part actually went amazingly well. the surgeons were able to remove the entire tumor from my brain with zero damage to the surrounding tissue. But when they pulled the tube from my throat, my lungs refused to work. I went for almost two minutes without breathing. The docs were about to put me on a breathing machine, when I suddenly took my first breath. The yelling was real too. My surgical team really was yelling at me to breathe!
I'm now recovered completely. Before the surgery, I couldn't use my right hand or wrist. My emotions were all over the place, and i didn't feel like myself. I knew the surgery was risky and that I didn't have much time left to live anyway, but I knew I had to risk it. I couldn't spend my last months feeling as awful as I did. My hand is now back to 100%.Two weeks after the brain surgery, I had another procedure done. The tumors on my lungs keep growing, and its causing fluid to build up in the Pleural cavity around my lungs. It presses on my lungs and keeps me from being able to breathe. So I went under, again, and while my surgeon collapsed one lung to give himself more room, he put talc into the left pleural area. What that does is irritate the pleura walls so they fuse together. If the walls are fused, fluid can no longer build up there. I'm still extremely sore from that surgery. I had a lung tube in for about a week, and now I'm trying to re-learn how to breathe.I'm feeling ok, but all I have been doing is symptom management. My chemotherapy stopped working in June. The tumors in my groin and lungs continue to grow every day, and my doctors firmly believe I won't live much longer. There aren't any treatments they can put me on. My tumors have become resistant to most chemotherapy. My type of cancer has a 5 year survival rate. I have made it seven and a half. I don't know what will happen next, but for now I am just trying to survive.
1:28 PMSunday, March 08, 2009
Life passes me by... CANCER UPDATE
My life feels as if it's passing me by, without being able to truly marinate on the days. Everything blends together.. mostly because my life is spent either sick in bed, or sick at the hospital. It's sad when the nurses at Renown get to see me more than my best friends do. But that is my life. People always say if they knew they were going to die, that they would go on amazings trips, and live every day to the fullest. Sorry to smolder the euphoric mood, but that's not reality. I would love to go to exotic places, spend my days swimming in the ocean and being surrounded by all of natures wonders. But unfortunately, my days are spent in bed, watching tv or reading, and making almost daily trips to the hospital. I guess I don't look at it like I'm going to die, even knowing I will.What I would love is to not feel sick, so that I could go back to work, producing and reporting compelling news shows, maybe even submit a piece for the News Emmy's. Then I would take vacations when I could, maybe return to the one place I was truly happy - Australia. So what stands in my way from doing any of that? The cancer that is slowly killing me from the inside out. The toxic mix of chemotherapy that drips into my tattered veins, causing immediate hair loss, nausea, pain and making every day difficult.It has been seven years of this hell for me, but I have fought my battle well. I graduated college in four years, and embarked on a career I honestly love. I made my slow climb to the top, each year getting better job offers, and I eventually even got the dream chance of working with Dateline NBC, and having stories that I wrote on NBC Nightly News, Today Show, MSNBC and CNN. I wrote for national news. I have done more in my short time on this eath than many will in their entire lifetime. Maybe it's selfish of me, but I want to be healthy enough to get that back. I want to live again. Not just exsist, but truely LIVE.On March 9 I have an appointment with my doctors in San Francisco. They will look at my chest scan I just had done, and determine if the tumors have grown, meaning my chemo no longer works, or that everything has stayed the same, meaning its doing its job. Either way, I feel I am condemmed to a life of sickness and lonliness.I hope and pray that before I go I can make an impact on this world. I don't want my life to be a waste.What I wish for is a treatment that wouldn't make me sick, so I can start my life again. So many people take the small things for granted, and all I want are the small things!I want to work, to do what I do best, which is write, produce news stories, and show the world a different perspective. I want to be in love. Unfortunately, I'm always sick, and who wants to be with a one-legged girl who has cancer?I hope someday I can once again live, even if its only for a short while. As I say everytime, I am a fighter. When this cancer kills me, I will not go down quietly. That much I can promise.A fighter through and through, until the end.~Alicia Karau
12:23 AMSunday, November 30, 2008
Some words from a friend that show who I am and truely thouched me :)
This is a message I recieved from my friend Serenity, someone who is sweet and wonderful, a friend since freshmen year of high school, but not someone who is an extremely close friend. I know how I affect my close friends, so to hear these words from a friend like this, truely touched me. I hope she doesn't mind me sharing her words, but I want everyone to know who I am, from another's point of view.
Alicia, I've now read and re-read this bulletin until I could recite it, hoping against hope that something would come to me, a way to let you know that I was thinking of you.I suppose my problem lies in the fact that everything that first pops into your head when you recieve news like this sounds so cliche and/or cheap. I'm not one for Hallmark moments or five dollar words...because in the end, that's all they are: words.So....here I go, trying my best to convey to you what I feel and think:I just wanted to tell you that whether you knew it or not, you touched my life. Maybe not in a big showy way, but in a quiet "I never forgot you" way. Little things remind me of a moment in class, or a conversation in the hall or on a bus on the way to a football game. You never once gave into the stereotype "popular girl" attitude. Always daring to cross those boundaries set in stone by high-schoolers everywhere that separated cheerleaders and drill team memnbers, homecoming queens and "nobodies". I'm not trying to sound lame, but when you're 15 or 16 years old, and being in high school is your whole life....you were a woman ahead of her time. Looking at you back then, it would have been easy to pass you off as shallow or worse, because you were smart, talented and beautiful. But, seeing as how I try not to be one to judge a book by it's cover, I chose instead to try to get to know you. The person I found there was truly wonderful, warm, and giving. Humble to a fault, you were and are a true testament to strength and courage.More than anything I just wanted to tell you, because I never bothered before (and I think we're all guilty of that from time to time) that I am in no way unaffected by your existence. You HAVE touched me, and you HAVE left a lasting mark. I don't walk away from our brief time together the same way I walked in. Maybe you can't see why, and maybe I can't explain ir correctly...but you made a difference in my life just by being who you are. Of course, you are in my prayers (and have been for years) and I stop and think about you more often than not, but all the hollow words aside, I hope with every ounce of my being, that later is not sooner and that your quality of life infinitely outwieghs the quantity. Thank you for being you, and thank you for sharing parts of your life with me. I am truly the blessed one to have known a woman of your caliber. Although it may sound like it, I'm not saying good-bye...just good luck and keep in touch.
~~~so that was the amazing message I recieced from my friend, and i wanted to share it because it made me feel amazing, and I only hope that others can make an impact on someone. I'm glad I touched Serenity's life, and she can never know the degree to which she has touched me, and made me feel like I HAVE done something in my short time on this earth... so far. ~~~~
4:03 AMFriday, November 21, 2008
Cancer is worse, I’ve been given a death sentence.
I had a chest scan done yesterday (Nov.20, 2008) at UCSF, to see how I'm responding to the new chemotherapy I started in September. The news was bad, very bad. My tumors have quadrupled in size, and I now have fluid surrounding my lungs. The fluid will continue to increase, and unless something shrinks my tumors, I will die in six months. I know the doctors have told me many times that I will die, but this time is different. Looking at the chest scan, there is almost more tumor than there is lung. The fluid around my lungs will not go away, and only get worse as time goes on. What that does is cause my lungs to not be able to expand the way they should. In short, the fluid causes me not to be able to breathe. They can drain it, but because the tumors are still there, the fluid will just come back, even as soon as an hour after they drain it.
I'm starting another type of chemotherapy that I am starting in a week. It is similar to the type that made me extremely sick four years ago. It may work to shrink the tumors, or it may not. Surgery is not an option because there are too many tumors, and I am not eligible for a lung transplant.
My doctor cried as he told me the news, and as I left, he gave me a hug and told me he loves me. I have never had a doctor say those words to me, so right there should tell you how serious this is.
I already have symptoms from the tumors. I have really hard time breathing, and I get pain in and around my chest and lung area.
To my dear friends, if I do not make it, I have one request. Please remember me, keep me in your hearts, and live the most wonderful life you can. I hope that in my short time here I have been able to inspire at least one person. Use my story to inspire others, and hopefully make my short life mean something.
I'm not giving up, but I have been given a death sentence. It's not a question of it the cancer will kill me, but of when the cancer will kill me.
I will fight to the end, no matter how close or far away that may be.
I love you all.
Alicia K
7:28 PMSunday, September 07, 2008
I’m OK Current mood: hopeful
Even the strongest have a moment of weakness, and mine was last week. When I heard the news from Stanford I freaked, I broke down. Everyone told me to stay strong, but sometimes the strongest thing you can do is cry. I show my true feelngs at all times, and I'm sorry if I scared anyone. I'm still worried, terrified about the tumors that are invading my body... but I'm ok.On tuesday I'm going to San Francisco. I'm starting a cancer drug called Avastin. Its not approved for my type of cancer, so insurance won't cover it. Thankfully UCSF has a program that will pay for the medicine, but I have to get it at UCSF. Its given through IV once every two weeks, which is going to be so much better than spending every day in the hospital! The drug restricts the blood vessels in tumors, hopefully haulting the growth. I can only hope and pray that it will work, that it will slow the tumor growth long enough until something new comes along that can get rid of this disease for good.I still have hope, and know that I love all of you and the amazing support you have given me. If I ever scare you, I'm sorry. I am extremely passionate and raw, so I write and say what I'm feeling at the time. Sometimes the things I say and feel are hard for others to understand, but I hope you take comfort in the fact that there is at least someone in the world that is true, never fake, and always honest. I give you a glimpse into my heart and mind, without shielding. I remove all facades and show all of myself, the good, the bad and the scary. But remember, I will always be ok. I will always be strong.~Alicia
6:59 PMWednesday, August 27, 2008
new update - BAD NEWS Current mood: scared
I just heard from Stanford, and they can't treat me. I am not eligable for their clinical trials. Apparently there's some discrepancy with my tumors. Some pathologists think it is one kind of cancer, and some think it is another, therefore, since it is not clearly classified, I cannot enter any clinical trials. I'm completely screwed! I have tried all the other treatments, and nothing is working!! I may not be able to get treatment at all, and in that case, I'll die from my cancer, probably in about 1 to 2 years.
I had so much hope that Stanford could help me, and to hear the doctor say there is nothing they can do really scares me. My heart sank when she said those words, and the only thing going through my head was that I'm going to die, and there is nothing anyone can do about it.
8:33 PMThursday, August 21, 2008
cancer update Current mood: determined
Hi everyone! I am so sorry I haven't been on here very much. So here's the latest with my cancer...I have stopped responding to my chemotherapy. The tumors in my lungs have all grown, and there are also some new tumors. I am now seeing a doctor in Stanford, as well as my docs at UCSF. There are two different clinical trials going on for Sarcomas, and the Stanford doctors are putting me in one of them. I don't know yet when I will start it, but hopefully soon! The longer I wait, the more my tumors grow.Sometimes I wonder how I can even make it through this craziness. Everytime I see my doctors, it seems as if it is bad news. There are only so many times you can be told you are going to die. But yet here I am, still standing strong. I do get scared sometimes, but honestly I try not to dwell on it. Right after I got the news that my chemo stopped working, I was so upset. I have so many goals and so many dreams, and its hard to hear that my life could be over. I know that I will survive, because thats what I do. I survive. I live. I stay strong and keep going.I love you all, and I'll try to stay in touch better. And don't worry -- I'm a fighter always and forever. I'm stronger than the cancer.
8:06 PMMonday, February 18, 2008
Conflicted Current mood: exhausted
I have been working as a news producer for the NBC affiliate here in Reno, KRNV. At the same time, I've been going through chemotherapy every day. I go into the hospital for a few hours, then I go to work... then repeat the process everyday. I decided last week to take advantage of FMLA. So now, I am on medical leave from work for 12 weeks. I can finally concentrate on myself, and hopefully get healthy once and for all. I know that taking leave is the best thing for me... but I'm such a workaholic, and such a newsaholic(ok, I know thats not a word), that its killing me not to be at work!! I know it sounds crazy. On one hand, I love being able to just take care of myself, and people around me have commented that I seem happier... but on the other hand, I love news, and I am a hard core journalist. Its tough to break away from that.
I have never rested though, and now is the time. Since I was diagnosed in 2002, I finished highschool, moved away from my hometown to go to college, graduated in four years, did an amazing internship at NBC in Las Vegas, then I was hired in Idaho, then I was hired at the NBC here in Reno. Throughout all of this, I was constantly going through surgeries, chemotherapy and radiation. But I never let it affect my life. Thats why I feel so conflicted... am I letting myself down because I'm taking medical leave from work? Should I have kept pushing myself like I always have? I know what everyone will say to those questions. I know my friends and family have been begging me to slow down for years, but thats not the kind of person I am. I am hard working, driven, and everything I have... I earned it all on my own. I hope I made the right choice to take this time away from a job I love to take care of the person I love -- myself.
I know that was a lot of random thoughts... but I just had to get it out.
4:58 PMSaturday, September 29, 2007
Cancer in My Lungs Again
My cancer is back again, and in my lungs in 4 different places -- both lungs. I'm starting intravenus chemo again at the beginning of November, so I'm moving back to Reno. Some good new, I'll be taking the job at the Reno NBC station. I'll be a producer/reporter.... plus I'll be closer to family and friends that i love so much. I may lose my hair again, and be extremely sick... but I guess I'll keep doing what I've been doing since the very first time I was diagnosed -- I'll keep living. My doctors keep telling me its a miracle I've lived this long, and they aren't sure I have many years left. What do you say to that? Well I've beat the odds thus far, and I'll keep beating them. I'll be moving at the end of October, so I'll be in Reno around Halloween. Love you all.
8:17 PMSunday, April 29, 2007
BACK FROM SURGERY... rundown of the complications...
Well I'm back home in Idaho, trying to recover. I'm actually doing ok. I'm in a lot of pain, but I'll be alright. Surgery was Monday, at 7:30am. It wasn't over untill 3:00. There were some major complications. Instead of the two tumors they thought I had, there ended up being three. And they were huge. All three of them were in the upper thigh/groin area of my right leg, the same leg I had amputated in 2004. In order to remove one of the tumors, the doctors had to cut one of the arteries that supplies blood to my leg. I lost a good amount of blood. They gave me blood transfusions right away, and then they fixed the artery. They took a piece of a vein in my leg and graphted it onto the cut artery, creating a patch. It worked for a minute, then it clotted. So they had to remove the blood clot. Then it worked. After that, they weren't done. I still had to have intra-operative radiation, which is like regular radiation except they perform it directly onto the site of the tumor while you are cut open. So after all of that... it was successful. They removed all of the tumors, and my recovery shouldn't take too long. I now will have to get radiation and chemo starting as soon as my inscision is healed. It was quite an ordeal. I'm doing ok though, just can't wait to get back on my feet (or to be more correct, foot). Thank you so much everyone for your phone calls and text messages! It helped keep me strong. Like I have said before, I will be ok! I am much stronger than this cancer, and it will never beat me. Love you all, and I'll try to keep you updated as things happen. XXXOOO
7:34 PMSaturday, April 07, 2007
CANCER IS BACK AGAIN
Yes, the cancer is back again for sure. I have two new tumors in my right thigh/groin area. I will have to have surgery and intra-operative radiation at the end of this month, and then more radiation and chemo after that. Nothin I haven't done before :) My doctors are going to try and keep me on oral chemotherapy so I can still work, instead of the horrid stuff I used to be on where I LIVED in the hospital. I'm doing fine, I'm not really worried. Strangely, I'm more annoyed. I've been doing this for five years, I've had enough! I know I'll be ok, because I always am. Yeah, the cancer keeps coming back. I've already lived longer than most who have this type. My doctors said as long as it comes back in places that they can get to it, I'll be ok. Hopefully someday it will never come back. Thank you for all of the love and support you guys have given me. I know that it is hard seeing one of your friends go through these types of things. You are all amazing, and I get my strength form you. I love you all truely. I'll keep everyone updated.I'm going to stay here in Idaho and keep working for NBC. Even when I'm sick or in pain, I love my job and I'm too determined. I will never give up, on anything. Its just not in my nature :)Have faith in me. I will be ok.
1:42 PMSaturday, February 17, 2007
Another day, another battle. latest CANCER update. PLEASE READ ITS IMPORTANT Current mood: contemplative
..> I sometimes wonder if my battle will ever end. will it be a happy ending when it does?? Right now I'm not too sure.
I flew to San Francisco this past weekend to meet with my doctors. A sense of foreboding flooded over me even before I arrived. I knew what they would say. You see, a few weeks ago I felt something in my right leg. About two inches from where the second tumor was removed. I knew right then what it was. I know what a tumor feels like, and I can tell the difference between tumors, scar tissue, cysts, etc. I guess it comes with practice. My doctor told me what I knew was coming -- The cancer might be back, a FOURTH time. But its not certain, so I guess there's always hope. I try not to kid myself though. I know the history, I know my cancer. it is far more likely that it is another tumor than anything else. Its not negativity, just reality.
I have to continue on with my chemotherapy, and see my surgeon in a month. We'll get more scans and talk options. the reason they are not sure if it is a tumor is because how it feels and how it looks are different. It feels like a tumor, nothing else. On the scan, you can see it, but there are some discrepancies. The lump has less blood flow traveling to it than the muscles ... my tumors usually are the opposite. But that doesn't necessarily mean anything. Its now just a matter of playing the waiting game, and trying not to stress.
Whets one more tumor? I have always said there is nothing I can't handle ... and I pray that's right. I know I'm strong. I have already lived longer than most people with my type of cancer. And I am going to continue to live, and live well...>
7:40 PMWednesday, November 29, 2006
Cancer stuff, ants on toilets, 4 seater planes, sleeping in an ice-box. Current mood: amused
To get the more serious stuff out of the way... everything is looking OK with my lungs and cancer. I had the lung surgery on October 9, 2006, and I'm slowly healing. I still hurt pretty bad, and my scans show a lot of scarring in the lungs. Out of the twelve surgeries I've had in only 4 years, it was by far the most painful! I have three new scars, two on my side and one on my upper back. they got the whole tumor out though!! yay! I'm still in pain, but I can breathe pretty much normally now. however, it will take months to feel completely better. I'm still on chemotherapy and just playing the waiting game now. They removed the tumor in my lung, and no others have shown up yet. So now we're just crossing our fingers and praying that no more tumors show up! I might be taking a two week break from my chemo, because its making me incredibly sick, and my doctors don't even know if its gonna work! We'll just wait and see what happens.
On a lighter note, I had the weirdest weekend. I went to San Francisco to see my doctors, but since I am COMPLETELY broke from all my medical bills, my mom and I couldn't afford to fly. There's a program called Angel Flight, and it consists of pilots who own private planes donating their time, money and services to fly cancer patients (and other critically ill people) for free. Since many people's specialists are in a different state, this is so helpful. It was the first time I had ever been in a small plane, and it was amazing!! The first plane was a 6-seater, and the flight went great. then we switched planes in Palmsdale, and got into a 4-seater gorgeous plane. its only a year old, and so incredible with digitalized everything. The only problem... we had to land in Oakland where there was a massive rainstorm. The pilot could not see a thing, and had to depend on air traffic control to guide him. Clouds, rain and wind are not fun in a 4 seater plane. We hit so much turbulence, and the plane would just suddenly plummet downwards, then tip violently to the side. The pilot even said it was the worst turbulence he'd ever flown in, and he's been a pilot for over 20 years!! It was horrifying. We were over the ocean, and I thought for sure we would crash into the freezing waters. Thankfully we landed OK, but it was scary. The warning light and beeps were going off continually in the plane, and I really thought that was it for us! the flights home went great, except the first pilot was like 80 years old, and so was his plane!! haha. Angel flight is an amazing program though, and we are so thankful for it!
So then we get to San Fran, and we get to the Koret Family House. This is another thing made possible by the warm hearts and thoughtful donations of other people. its is a house that pediatric oncology patients and families can stay at while getting chemotherapy treatments, surgeries, etc. The rooms are tiny, almost jail cell-like with usually no TV or anything. there is one bathroom and one kitchen per floor. Its not really that bad though -- it really helps out so many families. Anyway, we get there, and I'm in a wheelchair b/c my leg is killing me. My mom and I get in this wheelchair lift thing, and start to go up. We got stuck!!! the lift got stuck between the first and second floor, and it wouldn't move. We couldn't get out! We called the Koret House weekend manager, but they had already left. There was no one in the building to let us out! After about 10 minutes of freaking out, we got it to go back down. So We got out and had to take the stairs. I hobbled up the, while my mom tossed my wheel chair up them. it was quite a sight. We got to the room, and its about 40 degrees. The heater was broken! We were freezing. then I go into the bathroom, and there are ants ALL OVER the toilet! EWWW!! We cleaned it and disinfected everything. Normally the Koret house is kept very very clean, since so many sick children have to be there. but for some reason it just wasn't clean this time. So my mom walks to walgreens in the cold to get a small floor heater, and she gets it home and it was broken! She had to walk all the way back and get a new one. We finally got the room warmer, and the bathroom ant-free. The floor heater kept crapping out on us, so we still pretty much slept in an ice-box! Brrrr!
I had all of my appointments the next day, and things were OK. I was very sick from my chemo, but it made it better when my docs told me things were looking good. I only had a CT of my lungs, not a full body scan. But at least my lungs are looking good!! I go back to San Fran in January for a full body scan. Keep praying that my cancer will be gone completely!!! I'm pretty sick of chemotherapy, I've been doing it for almost five years. I'm tired of being sick!! I know it wont be forever, but it does get frustrating. I'm staying positive though. I appreciate everyone's support and love. It makes me healthier having so many amazing people surrounding me. I love all of you, so so so much. it means the world to me to have such love, compassion, support and strength from each and every one of my friends. You are all truly amazing. Love you all & I promise to keep everyone updated on my health!
alicia
4:36 PMSaturday, September 23, 2006
My story 2 -- Cancer Update Current mood: scared
~ I posted this as a bulletin, but here it is again in case you missed it. ~
I hate to have to tell people this, because I know it makes them sad, and scared. While you are reading this just keep in mind that I am strong and I'll be OK, somehow.I have stopped responding to chemotherapy. My lung tumor has doubled in size in just three months. There are still options though! I am going to start on a new drug called Gleevac. It is a chemotherapy type drug that was made for other cancers, not mine. but since the chemo that normally kills my type of tumors hasn't worked, we are in extreme experimental mode. I also may be having surgery. I will know in a week, but my doctor wants to try and remove the tumor from my lung. It's not an extreme surgery, but it will require me to lose a chunk of my lung and have to have some draining tubes for a week or so. So there are options, and if none of these work we will try something else. It is scary. My doctor says it will take a miracle to get rid of the cancer. There is hardly any research done on my type of cancer. It is a soft tissue sarcoma-like cancer, NOT lung cancer. it is in my lungs, but is not lung cancer. it is much more rare, and much more deadly. It only effects maybe 50 people worldwide each year, so there is no profit for pharmaceutical companies researching and developing new drugs to fight it. They have the technology but they wont put their energy into my cancer, because it doesn't effect enough people. Unfortunately, the people it does effect -- it kills them. Doesn't seem fair. I'm staying as strong as I can, but I am scared. I don't want to die. I have huge dreams and goals and I would like to someday get married, have an amazing family, a fabulous career... I might never be able to have those things, and it scares me. But just because I am scared doesn't mean I am giving up. I can't give up. I'll never give up.If its a miracle I need to save me, then its a miracle I will get. Pray for me, send good thoughts my way, and together we can fight this.~ Alicia Karau ~
11:44 AMSaturday, July 15, 2006
My Story - Cancer Current mood: determined
I just wanted to share with the world a few things I have gone through these past few years. so heres my story -- more of a summary of my story, really.
I was diagnosed with Cancer in Jan. 2002. I had just turned 18, and I was devastated. I didn't know what it meant - would my life be over? I was in for more than I realized. The cancer started in my knee. Its a soft tissue sarcoma - hard as hell to treat, and deadly. After a year of chemo and radiation, the doctors thought it was gone. I was ecstatic! Even though I was going through treatment, I had moved away from Reno, from my family and friends, to go to school at UNLV. So not quite a year went by, and I saw my doctors regularly for check ups. all had been clear, until Dec '03. They found something on my lat scans. My heart dropped when they told me the cancer was not only back, but had spread to my groin. This was bad. Really bad. January 2004 I moved back to Reno, but took online classes - I was determined to not quit school. More chemotherapy - this time at UCSF in the hospital. I was there every two weeks for a week at a time. 6 days of chemotherapy, followed by two weeks off. I had to get my blood tested every two days that I was off the chemo. I lived in hospitals. This was my life. It was about to get worse. My doctors - the best in the country- realized they could not save my leg. It was either amputate above the knee, or I would die. I told them no. I was a dancer since I was 3 - losing my leg meant losing my dreams, my life. I would rather die! I soon came to my senses however. I am now an amputee.
Another year of chemotherapy and finally every trace of cancer was gone. The doctors saved my groin, and my life, so I was thankful. I moved back to Vegas, and worked and worked and worked until I could walk normally - only after a $45,000 C-Leg (high-tech prosthetic leg) was dontated to me by the Reno community! Almost another year went by. I lived my life normally, worked hard at school so i could pursue my dream. I thought my life could finally be normal. well, as normal as an amputees life can be.
This brings me to Nov. '05. I had more scans and when the call came, I sat in disbelief. The cancer was back a third time, in my groin and even worse - in my lungs. Yes, I have cancer in my lungs. its in my groin infecting lymph nodes. it is my lungs the doctors are worried about the most. My doctors saw me in Dec at UCSF, and told me I would die. When the cancer returns a third time, there is no hope. it means death. This is a scary thing to hear, but I wasn't hearing it for the first time. I knew in my heart I would survive. I am now on an oral chemotherapy, very experimental since it has never bene used on my type of cancer. It didn't make me lose my hair like the other stuff and it allowed me to still continue school. I graduated form UNLV in May and had an amazing internship with KVBC channel 3 news in Vegas. I don't know where I mustered up the energy for all of this - because the chemotherapy tried to keep me down. I am still on the chemo and so far it has kept my tumors from growing. However, they are not shrinking. I am doing what I love though, and surrounded by people who care about me. I have a demo tape ready and I am talking to news stations - I am going to be a News Reporter.
I have a soft tissue sarcoma, MPNST. its nearly impossible to treat. Every treatment that has proved successful on this type of cancer in other people, doesn'twork on me. My cancer is stubborn, but so am I. It is strong, but weak when compared to me. I will fight this. I know it will not kill me, because I wont let it. I have so many people standing strong beside me - we will fight this together. All I ask is for everyone who reads this to pursue your own dreams and encourage others to do so as well. My only wish is for eveyone to be inspired and reach they're potential, despite any hardships that may come their way. Thank you for taking the time to read this, I know it is long. Its difficult to expose yourself fully to others but I feel that it is the only way to be. If I can help one person with my story, than I am happy.
Alicia K
